The Grown Pains

Good God. It's the end of the semester. And I feel exhausted and I'm ready to break down.

And I see that God's plans for metamorphosis doesn't quite level out this year just yet and the changes are coming faster and more complex and a little bit more surprising.

This must be the frontiers of adulthood and I'm not sure I like it. It's so much easier to deal with growing pains and petty insecurities that do nothing but complicate how you'll be remembered in yearbook photos. Than deal with the complications and uncertainties of being an adult.

I realized I'd much rather sit in a high school cafeteria, a stranger with no one to lunch with on the first days of school and cry in the girls bathroom because that pain is so  much easier to bear than the realities of adulthood.

It's a strange and scary feeling knowing you are practically on your own in a world that has yet to determine what spot you would have. Your roles aren't as defined in adulthood. There are no syllabus and deadlines and club requirements to guide you. There's no road map and forced ideals to shape you. 

There's nothing but a huge open field and it scares me that I'm so close to venturing out with no particular place to go.

Sometimes, I feel like there should be placement programs. Or at least leave me a training wheel. Or a Jeeves to ask questions when everything dead-ends.

As a child, you're successful in school if you make A's. You're a good kid if you hardly give your parent's trouble. Those are the keys to success.

And now, what's to determine that? Does making more money determine success? Does being broke but happy determine success?

I feel like adults sugar coated everything and talked about how to be child, a good one. It's funny how now I've noticed no one really ever reminisce about adulthood or talk about being one.